ＸＯＮ＇Ｓ ＭＩＮＤ

The end of myself. My final act.

With this, i end the person I was and perform my final act. The “I” will pass away but the “being” will emerge.

What do you want to be? What are you? No.

What must you do?

Everyone has to do something to move forward. Some doors have to close so that others can open. And I am closing this door.

It was an honor to show you who I was- what made me who I am, what I thought, what I felt so deeply.

But to survive in this world as it is now... i can't

So I will let the curtain fall. And whatever continues to play behind it...

No one will ever know again.

Life passes by like a quiet wind.. a quiet wind that whispers “You’re falling behind.”

And I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared...

But I want to I want to I want to keep going and finally become the person I wanted to be.

I'm feeling things I've never felt before, doing things I never knew I could do. Everything is changing and I can't keep up.

Some people say that when something passes by too quickly you should catch it. Hold onto it Pull it back.

But how am I supposed to hold onto something that isn't even exciting.

My hands stay empty and everything keeps moving forward. Without me.

I'm scared. Why?

I don't want it to end yet. Not now.

Silence… the kind that only shows up when you’re alone at night.

1 a.m., 2, 4, 6. As time passes, my thoughts keep slipping into the past.

I don’t even know why. I’m right here, but my mind keeps going somewhere else- back then, or somewhere that hasn’t even happened yet. And that’s the problem.

If I could just stay present… maybe I’d finally be able to enjoy life..

There were days when someone said they liked me. I knew it was a lie and still, the thought of being truly wanted was enough to satisfy something in me.

The moments when my mind plays tricks on me are the worst… the moments when my heart interferes with things that could break it. My mind knew the truth, but it was drowned out by something deeper- an inner craving, an emptiness begging to be filled.

I knew from the beginning that nothing about that person was real, and yet I stayed. For my own reasons.

What did I learn?

No matter how much you think you’ve changed, deep down there is a child missing something it will never have and so it keeps hoping… until it fades away.

People don’t really change. They just learn how to lie to themselves and become what they think others will love.

The one thought of never being able to have what your inner self truly desires. Not because it cannot be reached, but because of fear.

What would happen if you actually received it?

What if it was only a test?

From the devil? From God?

What if it was not real, not what you believed it to be?

What if you had to open up your fragile side for it?

Even with all these questions, the path eventually asks for a decision.

When it comes to your heart, decide with your mind.

Sometimes the heart must break to learn how to beat in new rhythms.

so crying doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re becoming stronger than before

What if humans were once angels who fell because of their nature? What if God decided to create a new species, a better version completely different from what humans are now? But what was it that truly made angels angels?

What if those who are born are nothing more than angels that God rejected? What if He decided that birth on Earth was necessary, so He could send down the ones He no longer wanted without them knowing the truth? So that they believe birth is just a natural part of life, while in reality, it is only the beginning of a punishment?

What if they cannot remember? They only feel that something is wrong- this constant restlessness, this feeling of not belonging that so many people have. That would explain the deep longing some feel without knowing what they are searching for. They try to fit in, but something inside them always feels foreign.

Then birth would not be a gift, but a process of transformation. A reincarnation into a broken, mortal body, ensuring that they suffer and can never become what they once were. Their pain would be an eternal reminder of what they lost.

What if God thought: "I do not want these angels anymore, but I will still let them live- yet in suffering, so they never forget what they are: nothing but broken souls, trying to exist in a world where they no longer belong."

But if angels were pure and perfect, what caused their fall? Was it pride, like in the story of Lucifer? Or was it something else- an inability to endure perfection? Maybe it was their own awareness, their free will, that made them something God no longer wanted. And instead of destroying them, He gave them a new form: humans.

Me? I'm afraid of so many things. Of people, of the silent darkness, of closeness, of touch, of deep connections, of failing and giving up before even starting.

I'm afraid of getting close to people, of being alone with my thoughts in the quiet darkness, of the closeness someone important could give me, of the touch of love, of becoming dependent on something, of being held back when all I want is to run and do what I truly want.

There are so many things to be afraid of. And yet, I enjoy them. Meeting new people, the moment of silence in the dark with nothing but myself and my peace, the joy of someone being close to me, the exciting feeling of touch, the experience of committing to something or someone, and the time to do nothing but calmly plan everything.